Automotive Dictionary

by Courtney and Cody - genuine automotive idiots

A

• Air Filter - the first defense against keeping squirrels out of your engine

B

• Battery - big plastic box of acid that lets you play the radio.
• Belt - big rubber bands that make stuff turn
• Bench Seat - like a slip'n'slide for your toosh if you go too fast around a corner (they put them in trucks for a reason)
• Bonnet - the first line defense for keeping your friends out of the big boomy thingy, therefore avoiding a mishap with the boomy stuff
• Brakes - unimportant, disregard any references to these things
• Brushguard - like a bumper, only you can hit bigger stuff!
• Bucket Seat - lets you go faster around corners
• Bumper - the best excuse to hit stuff with your vehicle

C

• Camshaft - often referred to as 'Mr. Camhappy,' it pushes the little clicky things so your wooshy stuff and your boomy stuff can go in the round holes
• Carburetor - where the wooshy stuff and the boomy stuff combine
• Carpet - the squishy stuff they put on the interior and charge and arm and a leg to clean as well as market various products to clean the stuff that you messied up when you spilt you Coke and Fries on the seat
• Coolant - the green stuff which makes sure the metal chunk and the head are nicely cooled, with the help of the bug catching finny doodle
• Crankshaft - the spinny thing that connects to the round things, don't leave home without it

D

• Differential - different wheel turner deelybob that makes sure your wheels don't break off around corners
• Distributor - zaps your big round things in the metal chunk so boomy stuff makes spinny thing make round things turn
• Door - the entrance hatch to your snazzy buggy
• DOHC - Dual Overhead Cam which means two Mr. Camhappys live in your head. (may also stand for Don't Over Hear caterpillars)
• Driveshaft - long spinny bar which connects the box of round thingies with teeth to the different wheel turner deelybob

E

• ECU - Engine Control Unit, this is basically fancy computer junk some people decided car needed to ensure the computer geeks had a job. This also ensures that the average folk can no longer fix their own car, but instead spend $1000 at a specialty shop to change your oil.
• EFI - Electronic Fuel Injection which uses more computers and junk to make more people know less about the cars they drive
• Engine - the big boomy thing under your bonnet (come 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, or 12 big round thing versions, and as usual, more is better)
• Engine Block - big metal chunk that houses big round things (also houses the slippery stuff and some green stuff)
• Exhaust - pewy stuff that kills the o-zone, or something

F

• Fuel Injection - (also referred to as 'fuel rejection'). One day, back in the 60's or something, some people racing drag cars decided that the original method of mixing the wooshy stuff and the boomy stuff was inferior to some newfangled thingamajiger they were going to think up. With all kind of electronics and stuff, they decided that they would limit the user's ability to adjust boomy/wooshy mixture and let some computer do it instead. Their offspring are currently making money in some high-tech industry because after 1990 every new car came with this. Now, don't get me wrong, its nice, and all, but causes lots of problems too. End of story...

G

• Gas - the boomy stuff, and it costs too much
• Gear(s) - round thingies with teeth (munch, munch)
• Glove compartment - contrary to popular belief, this is not a place to store your gloves but actually a portal to another dimension in which all cars of your kind joyously dance together in perfect harmony where they can be unobstructed by idiotic drivers who drive inferior cars

H

• Head - where your clicky thingies reside, along with Mr. Camhappy
• Hose - round rubbery tunnels which usually carry green stuff, wooshy stuff, or boomy stuff

I

• Inexpensive - a blatant lie if referring to anything automotive

J

• Jack -
  1. a device which allows the car to look as if it were flying
  2. something you don't want to happen to you car
  3. a name, as in Jack Hannah, but that has nothing to do with cars.

K

• Koolant - if you spell it like this please beat yourself repeatedly, then see 'coolant'

L

• Light - the things that help you see in the dark

M

• Master Cylinder - its big, metal, and has to do with hydraulics, beacuse if you had to push those brakes or clutch without it, wow, um....yeah, you'd have super-human looking calves!
• MPI - Multiport Injection which is like EFI only super-American-80ized
• Muffler - puts your car into stealth mode by adding extra metal. If you've got a v8 - ditch it.

N

• NOS - a company who manufactures good nitrous oxide units, nothing more.

O

• Oil - gooey stuff that looks like molasses (but doesn't taste as good)
• OnStar - for rich snobs
• Oxygen - the wooshy stuff which is fuel for stuff that goes boom
• Oxygen Sensor - emissions junk to tell one of the 18 computers how efficient your engine is running... whatever happened to simply sniffing the exhaust?

P

• Park
  1. The act of stopping your car in a place where a Honda can't get to it
  2. "the gearless gear"
• Piston - the round thing in the metal chunk that squish the wooshy stuff and turns the spinny thing

Q

• Quack - a sound your car should not make (unless you run over a duck)

R

• Racing Stripe - wide segments of decals or paint that contrast with the rest of the car and run parallel to the vehicle. This is not a performance modification
• Radiator - The bug catching finny doodle which pumps around the green stuff and makes it cooler coolant, dude

S

• Speedometer - invented so that you have to lie when a policeman asks "Do you know how fast you were going, son?"
• Squeek! - get a new belt

T

• Tachometer - lets you know how fast the spinny thingies are moving so you don't go boom
• Tail light - magically illuminating devices on the back of the car. And remember - if they're white, its not right
• Tire - rubbery stuff that wraps around the rolley things to prevent cool looking sparks when going down the road
• TPS - Throttle Position Sensor which is the root of all evil (or so I hear)
• Traffic - other people just like you with wooshy stuff, boomy stuff, and bug catching finny doodles
• Transmission - a collection of different sized round thingies with teeth you can switch between so that your car doesn't go WEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIINGGGGGG!!!!!! when you're going down the highway
• Throttle Body Injection - invented to trick people into thinking you have a carbureted intake when in fact you don't

U

• U-Joints - attaches to the spinny bar for fun twisties with less crunching

V

• Vacuum - suction sucks
• Valves - the clicky thingies that go 'woo-woo' and let wooshy stuff and boomy stuff do stuff and get rid of pewy-stuff
• V-Drive - you don't need one

W

• Washer Fluid - slime you spray on your windows so you can smear the dead bugs around
• Wheel - the rolley things that connect the the axles
• Windsheild - first line of of defense against keeping flying squirrels from attacking you while you sit in your car

X

• Xylophone - don't play one while driving

Y

• Yak - keep these away from your vehicle, as well

Z

• Zebra - they may look cool, but don't hit them (unless you have a brushguard)