Becoming a Car Basher

If you currently feel you could not thrash on a car, because you are scared or unknowledgable about it, this article is for you! The next few paragraphs will assist you in reaching the elevated state of mind.

THE INITIATION - your first metalic clang

First, find your way into a local junkyard. This is a great place to start because you can see that the vehicles are already in very bad condition. Therefore, extending the level of damage to the vehicle is less prevalent on your conscience. Before leaving, be sure to bring a sledge hammer. If you do not have one, make sure your tool box outweighs your dog. Once in the junkyard, find a remote corner of the lot, where no one will see you. Find a car with a hood on it. Now, as lift your mass of tools above your head (as if to stretch), and casually let them drop, with full weight onto the hood of the victim car. You will notice a large, conspicuous, metallic clang - this is a good thing. Be weary that this action may alert the attention of more reserved individuals. If this occurs, bend down, and look busy (we all know how to do this, don't lie). If you are lucky, a considerable dent will be left.

GETTING STARTED - scratches

After the suspicion dies away, remove the toolbox (or the like) from the hood, applying pressure to a single corner of the box. If done properly, you will notice a high-pitched screech, along with a visual reminder of your presence. This is a scratch, and yes, we put it there on purpose.

GROWING UP - inflicting minor damage

After completing the hood routine, you should move on to body damage. This can be accomplished through two distinct methods: the "accidents" and the down-right aggressive approach.

We'll start with the "accidents." This occurs with astounding frequency at junkyards. However, the validity of the term "accident" can not be confirmed in all cases. If you would like the have an "accident," get that trusty edge of your metal toolbox, and walk the length of the car. Mid-stride, nudge the toolbox, jamming it between your upper-thigh and the car's body panel. This will ensure contact, and a satisfying result. Another way to achieve an "accident" is to haphazardly flail your belongings (children and pets not included, please use precautions). Please note that, though haphazardly thrown, you do have control over the direction and velocity of the object. It is possible for pliers, a socket wrench, or screwdrivers to end up near, on, or through a vehicle if the above procedures were implemented properly.

If this doesn't do it for you, then good -- you are growing and it is time for bigger and better things. You are now ready for aggressive and obviously intentional damage. If you are having trouble with this, remember: start small. You can, for example start on the interior of the car. Do you really think that the nob on the glove compartment is useful anymore? Of course not! Remove it by any means possible. From there, perhaps you may deem the entire glove box out of commission, and ready for orderly disposal -- do it. As you feel comfortable breaking objects, more to the seats, carpet, and headliners. If you're having fun, explore the inards of an automotive heating system by removing the center console. Since you are in a junkyard, a crow-bar is more useful than a screwdriver. Remember this as it speeds up the process exponentially.

WORKING OUTWARDS - removing glass

After disrupting the interior of the car, you may find it necessary to remove the glass of a vehicle, in order to gain access to door panels, or something. When removing windows, you should view it as a 3-step process.

1. Give it a crack. This is the hardest part as the glass is designed NOT to break. Keep in mind that the glass must encounter a great deal of force in order to start a crack. Use very heavy, very blunt objects. Again, your metal toolbox is a good solution.
2. Extend the cracks. Most windows in a car will "spider-web" out before they completely give in. This is a delicate process, and must be done slightly slower than step 1 or 3. It takes practice, but makes step 3 more enjoyable.
3. Break through! At this point, the glass should be held together somewhat mysteriously. Since it is most likely safety class, it should have a lot of flex, and seem like it is held together by glue (probably because it is). Find a smaller tool, like a screwdriver or a wrench, and poke a whole through the glass. It should go through with very little effort, but should not extend much to the other parts of the glass. Move the tool, making cool shapes as the glass deteriorates in front of your eyes. Mission accomplished!

THE CROWN-JEWEL - the drivetrain

At this point you should be ready for the grand finale. Fortunately, this is all that REALLY matters. Open the hood, if there is one, and start poking at stuff. Most likely, the vehicle has no battery, or anything attached that could do anything unexpected -- so go for it! As you do this, start unplugging, breaking, or cracking things. It is certainly ok if you do not know what they are. In time, "that round thingy" becomes "a distributor cap" and the "springy deelies under that cover" become "valve springs in the head." If you feel really confident, rip open that transmission! This will bring you new, heightened understanding to the workings of the vehicle.

As time goes on, you will learn to break more things, but you will start to know what you are breaking. When you no longer think you are breaking a car, but instead realize you are in fact removing the pushrods from an old MustangII's wussy, emissions choked v6 engine.