Francine Part 1 — The Story Begins

It was the best of times, it was the wettest of times -- and mine shoes hath leaketh since the extraction of the duct tape. During Spring Break of 2003 Brad, Nick and I decided it was high time to look for some trouble. As we are not normal, it was concluded that the best place to look for trouble on this 2nd weekend of March was the Barlow Auction Center in Barlow, Oregon. Now, I am not implying that we are, or have ever been normal. That possibility was thrown through the window long before this incident, thus breaking it leaving us to pick up the pieces while others laughed incredulously as we used duct tape to repair the damage. But that series of events which proceeded that fateful week are ones that will be ever engraved in my mind (I thought my head hurt...)

Motivation

It all started weeks before Spring Break 2003. As I sat in my dorm room I chatted with Nick and Brad about the need of another beater vehicle. As you may recall, we acquired a Ford Tempo over the summer, leading to an ... interesting ... camping trip. Growing increasingly tired of the computer monitor, I decided it was time to embark on another such "beater adventure." Slowly, very slowly, Spring Break rolled around. I took the first opportunity to jet back to my hometown. Plans were made, and by that first weekend Nick, Brad and I headed to the auction house (yes, the same one the Tempo came from).

The Auction

This is where the trouble / fun begins. The day had started off appearing as if it could turn into a nice day. It didn't - the weather turned sour and the rain began to fall. Living in Oregon, this is hardly a new thing but the situation was complicated by my age old shoes. Having been used well past their feasible functionality, these shoes leaked like Microsoft code. Merely walking across a wet parking lot leads to a strikingly wet right foot. Puddles are out of the question, unless you want to use them as watersocks. Unfortunately, the lot where all the cars to be auctioned off looked like a graveled minefield, creating puddles deep enough to eat my foot off. But fear not! It's not that I am so poor I can not afford shoes that work as designed. It is, instead, that I left school and my dorm room in such a hurry, that I forgot the pair of shoes that I had worn for the past 6 months. In fact the leaky shoes hadn't been touched in months. I ended up with these because my normal shoes had been dirtied in a dash of "offroad" excitement. Anyway, this "feature" of my shoes was remedied for a few hours by green duct tape, but later fell off. It's amazing how much a wet foot or two can create grumpiness and discomfort.

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Well, that was the horribly boring saga of the leaky shoes (I got decent ones the next day at Costco for $10! Ok, I promise, no more about the shoes) Now on to the important part of the story - the auction! Before even leaving, Nick had his heart (or wallet) set on a Subaru wagon. The one thing that gave it the thumbs up was the fact that it was a manual transmission. It had long since been agreed that the next beater would be stick shift, increasing fun, breakable parts, and the learning experience for Brad. Several other cars in the minefield caught our attention, but not as much (in terms of actually buying.) After being told I can't climb on cars to avoid puddles; after being yelled at not to open the hoods of the cars (why?? I don't know!); and after revving a '91 Supra Turbo and entertaining myself with the whirry sound of the turbo charger we ran out of time and the auctions began. To make a long, boring story short, the Subaru went for more than we deemed it worth (over $150 ) As the day wore on, we began to be confronted with the reality that we may not come home with a beloved beater this time.

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And then she strolls in. Ok, fine, we hardly noticed its presence. Rolling through was an '81 Toyota pickup, complete with a bashed in bed and extra paint in random places on the body. I have to be fair - Nick did ask if he should bid on it. Wanting something to bash, I said "....sure!" About 2 minutes later, Nick returned with a funny look on his face, and said that he had just bought the truck for $100. I laughed, Brad made some funny sounds, and we all went to go pay for the thing. Since there were about 1.2billion (give or take 1.19995 billion) people waiting in line to pay for their newly won prizes, we had to wait. Darn. So standing in the lobby, we immaturely punched at each other and made a general ruckus.

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After 15 minutes or so, I interjected with the thought that our new truck should have a name. In about 1 1/2 seconds Nick blurted "Francine!"... and it stuck.

The Verdict

Once we ('we' being Nick) finally paid for the wondrous new truck 'Francine,' we headed out to the lot to see what we had done. Oh and it was bad. At a first glance, the truck looked, pardon my French, like a piece of crap. Upon further inspection, it was unanimously agreed that it was a piece of crap.

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Despite the fact that the truck looked more appalling than a pile of vomit, it ran. In fact, it even has the same motor as my '87 Toyota truck, but no one cares. What this means in a nutshell is that the truck is gutless, but will run forever.

'Features' of Francine:

• Bed is bashed in behind the passenger's door
• Front right fender is smashed in, rubbing on tire if you turn too hard
• An obscenely large amount of paint and/or sheetrock material splattered all over the vehicle (highly concentrated on the outside of the passenger's side of the bed)
• Driver's door initially would not close, then would not open (so crawling in the passenger's side, or the window was in order)
  
  

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• More oil on the outside of the engine than in the entire Middle East
• 'Black Widow' spider in the passenger's side heating vent (probably a lie.)
• Rancid, oozing sludge in the bed all on top of a carpeted mess
• Keyed ignition removed, allowing for a 'one-twist' screwdriver start!
• Conveniently, the passenger's door has no locking mechanism (or it fell inside the door somewhere) so you can't lock yourself out, which is definitely good, considering we never got a key.
• Non-functional speedometer and odometer - but the tach works great!